Australians are great at many things. We’re world beaters at swimming, surfing and various activities that involve chasing balls around. We invented Wi-Fi, create super-popular children’s entertainment shows, and can generally make coffee that’s not disgusting.
There is however one thing that we don’t always do so well – grief.
Despite the inevitability of encountering grief, most of us are woefully unprepared for it. I certainly had no idea what the deal was when this emotional cyclone visited me. Immense, raw and uncontrollable, it left me crying big salty man tears whilst in the shower, in my car and in aisle nine of Coles. For some reason your average Australian shopper is also quite unprepared for what to do when they encounter a 6-foot-tall man sobbing in front of dishwashing tablets.
Each time I have attended a funeral, I have felt completely thrown. The events seemed utterly mismatched with what was going on inside me. Everything seemed so strangely contained, disconnected and reserved. At times I have felt like I got the address completely wrong and accidentally wandered into a local chamber of commerce meeting. There I have stood in my cyclone, surrounded by a bunch of seemingly still people, all awkwardly dressed in dark suits. Most seem to be handling the situation by avoiding their grief, suppressing it or mollifying it with finger food.
I get it. When presented with the choice of experiencing an uncomfortable emotion and partaking of a party sausage roll, the sausage roll generally wins. It doesn’t really fill the emptiness but at least provides a momentary way of escaping the excruciatingly polite chit chat.
Sometimes the group norm feels suffocating. It’s as though we have inherited some awful idea that we shouldn’t ‘indulge’ in grief and must remain ‘dignified’ at all times. So we mill around, feeling obligated to hold everything together, when what we are really craving is an opportunity to fall apart.
Grief is one of our great teachers. It can show us the depth of our love. It may prompt us to make peace with our past. It may ask us what we are going to do with this one precious life. Unfortunately, it’s not common to stop and sit with grief. Instead, we try to hurry it away, medicate it out of existence or fumble our way towards something more pleasant.
The most common funeral practices in Australia leave little room to interact with death. In an attempt to protect us from it all, the body is whisked away, boxed and returned to the earth with a minimum of fuss. People are excused from work for a few hours before they must return to their emails and Teams calls. All too soon the room empties and those closest are presented with a plate of leftover sandwiches which they will never eat.
And that’s it.
Only it’s not. Grief remains. It sits just beneath the surface. It emerges at unexpected times for years. It stays with us even when the rest of the world has moved on.
Instead of the restrained and contained approach we now commonly see in Australia, other cultures take far different approaches – ones that pay much greater respect to grief.
When I first made a visit to my wife’s family home in Ireland, I quickly discovered that death was given much greater prominence there. Over the radio came a Bruce Springsteen song, the news and then… the death notices?
For around 15 minutes I was informed about every person within a 100-kilometre radius who had died. I got to know who they were related to, where they grew up, who they married and most importantly, what the arrangements were.
One of the most popular websites in Ireland is RIP.ie, where you will find much of the same information. It is estimated this site gets over 90 million visits per year, which is rather a lot in a country of 5.3 million people.
There, things happen far differently to what we now see in Australia. It is normal to have a wake at the family home with the body in an open coffin. The wake can last a number of days and nights. People gather, share stories, offer condolences, laugh, cry, play music, drink tea and perhaps something stronger. Instead of trying to minimise grief, they come together and hold each other in it.
When the body is removed, a procession may make its way through the village. Everything stops. Shopkeepers close their tills, step outside and pay their respects. Commerce gives way to grief.
The next day a funeral service and burial take place. People come from far away and turn out in great numbers. As much as the process is about honouring the dead, it also serves to honour the emotion of grief and provides a precious space for people to process it while being held in community.
Over time all cultures have developed unique ways of mourning. While the rites and rituals may be different, their fundamental purpose is the same – they allow people to reflect, to release and begin to let go.
The important rituals of the past are however under pressure from rapid societal change. We have become busier, more isolated and less inclined to sit with that which is difficult. Lacking time or support, grief can feel like yet another difficult thing we must charge through… so we deal with it by not really dealing with it.
If we want to be better at grief, we may need to find new ways to make space for grief, take time for it and greet it as the great teacher it is. Here are just a few ways we can change our relationship with grief.
1. Be kinder to ourselves – recognise that we probably won’t be okay right away. Grief is never simple or linear or neatly contained outside of office hours.
2. Don’t go through it alone – it’s okay for our hearts to break wide open. Each of us is allowed to be a blubbering mess and leave rivers of tears all over our friends’ shoulders.
3. Make room for all emotions – it’s okay to feel relief. it’s also okay to grieve someone but still not be okay with things they did in the past. Often grief is complicated and intense and requires some help to work through. Seeking professional support can help process the past, find peace and move forward.
4. Break the taboo – talking about death isn’t something that should just be reserved for funerals. If we stop and consider it regularly, we may spend more of our lives focused on what truly matters.
5. Do it your way – if a standard send-off doesn’t really fit with yourself or your loved ones, discuss what would. Consider what may meaningful and ring true. What feels most authentic can often help bring emotional release and allow people to begin processing their grief in a supportive way.